New Tour Explores L.A.'s Jewish Scene
(Wireless Flash) -- Los Angeles tourists who want to bone up on Orthodoxy will soon have their chance.
A journalist named Luke Ford is offering something called "Jewish Tours" -- tours of L.A.'s Torah landmarks.
Some of the landmarks on the tour include the spots where various rabbis kicked Luke to the curb.
Some tour groups may also visit actual synagogues, which Ford says "can be a turn-on for the first four times or so."
The Jewish LA Tours will officially begin June 25 and will cost $25 a pop.
Ford plans on giving the first tours himself, but, if successful, he hope to hire scantily clad tour guides as soon as possible.
Luke Ford's Magical Mystery Jewish Tour
Needing some extra dough to romance Hebrew Honeys, I've decided to start up a Luke's LA Tour.
Participants will pile into the back of my beaten van while I drive you around all the most important to Luke Jewish sites in Los Angeles.
Chaim Amalek writes: See, one of the benefits of dating a jewess is the motivation to become prosperous that it provides. To date the jewess is to spend lots of money, and if you are to come by that money honestly you will have to work smarter and harder, at least until you marry and impregnate her.
The tour is not such a bad idea. Kenny Kramer, the putative model for the character "Cosmo Kramer" of the jewish Seinfeld show made a mint for himself with his "Seinfeld Reality Tour" in Manhattan. You can do the same with rabbi-star tours in LA, but I suggest you charge more money for it. Tours should include aids clinics, the local bus depot where many a Torah star was discovered, etc. And each tour should end at the Museum of Tolerance. Tell folks that you will be waiting for them right behind the door labeled "tolerant" to give the unsatisfied among them refunds. I suspect that in no time at all, you will have to rent some large buses to handle the spurt in business. Time to prove that you really are worthy of Honey's Jewish genes by making this go.
Now, some of the rabbis will object to having their homes on the tour. Not surprising, as all big stars value their privacy - Hollywood or Valley, it's all the same, no? As for giving out their real names too, this is more troubling. On the other hand, if everyone thinking of going into Torah knew that you would quickly strip them of their false identities, perhaps fewer innocent young Christian girls would be defiled at the hands of swarthy, bagel-eating, greedy rabbis. Clearly there are good arguments on both sides, but I think I come down on the side of NOT divulging the christian names of these young women.
Lynne writes: Luke, I like your idea of a tour. So many of the kosher manufacturers have tried so hard to be discreet about their locations, and you could ruin that for them instantly. You could start in the West Valley and finish in Laurel Canyon at the site of the Wonderland Massacre. In between, I would suggest a stop at a distributor, because the sight of thousands of seferim piled on shelves is very impressive, and a stop at Aish HaTorah, where the fake wailing wall is very impressive. For an extra $5, your guests will receive a genuine Aish Ha Torah Polaroid of themselves in the nude (a great souvenir for the family photo album, don't you think?)
For another $5.00, the Deluxe Tour could include a visit to an actual minyan. You will have to kick back some of that money to the producer, but it would be welcomed. Many minyanim no longer have room in their budgets for condoms, so not only would you be exploiting the performers, but doing something really valuable at the same time, like keeping them alive.
Nice Jewish Girl says your driving is really atrocious, and, since you have few enough true fans as it is, I hesitate to consign them to the back of your van. Your van is more suited to smuggling illegal aliens who don't care about such niceties as seat belts, door handles or air conditioning. And you do not speak Japanese, so you will need an adorable Asian "I'm really a molecular biologist" cutie riding shotgun to interpret for you.
Arrange to stop at your favorite valley eating place and let your tour group purchase lunch. The restaurant will kick back a free lunch for you (although skipping lunch for a bit might not be a bad idea, Luke. There's not a big market for pudgy TV personalities.) Maybe they'll even name a sandwich after you. The Luke Ford special. The contents of that sandwich escape me, though -- does anyone have any ideas? After visiting Wonderland and leading the group in a moment of silent prayer, you can drop off your group at the Hollywood Greyhound Bus Depot, so they can get the true perspective on what it's like to step off the bus when future Torah stars arrive in Los Angeles to embark upon their new careers. Plus they can get home from there.
Mdl writes: Lox and schmaltz on a rye loaf -- open faced. Just think, you could arrange the shinny pink lox in an attractive shape and drizzle the schmaltz over the top. There could be variations:
The Luke Ford Sister - roast beef instead of the lox.
The Luke Ford Extreme - 1 side roast beef -- 1 side lox, with whole baby carrots inserted and globs of schmaltz instead of drizzles.
The Luke Ford Voyager - it's amazing what you can do with a pimento olive.
Helpful writes: Other possible interesting stops on Luke's Tour include:
The actual corner on Santa Monica Boulevard where Matt Ramsey was discovered. The front of the Larry Flynt building where Mike Albo mercilessly bitch slapped poor Luke (and with one hand tied behind his back too).
The scene of the infamous John Holmes "Four on the Floor" murders in Coldwater Canyon.
Dave Hardman's former residence where a distraught Lynne Lopatain was arrested for stalking him with a loaded hand gun in her purse.
Charlie Sheen's Malibu Manse where more newcomers hit the sheets than at Ed Powers couch!
The Altadena love palace where Max makes so many girls deepest, darkest fantasies come true.
The World Modeling agency where booking agent, Jim South and his horny associates make so many of their own deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true.
The Slums of Beverly Hills Apartments where Luke Ford makes surprisingly few lucky young Jewish ladies' deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true.
The Los Angeles area Men's detention facility where Jack Hammer currently makes so many of his burly cellmates' deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true.
The AIM testing facility where members of Luke's Tour can socialize with the charming Sharon Mitchell and receive a free blood panel analysis.
The cardboard box behind the Hollywood Boulevard Stop-Go market where super-agent, Scotty Schwartz lives. Rob Spallone's shooting house. WARNING: Please no rummaging through the trash cans for Kendra Jade's discarded soiled panties. Luke has already done so and they are available for sale at the end of the tour.
The Doc Johnson Sex Toy manufacturing facility where for $29.95 tour members may have a lifelike mold of their genitalia formed in silicone.
NOTE: All silicone penises of tour members over 8 inches in length become the "intellectual property" of Doc Johnson, Inc.
The Gold's Gym in Venice where AVN bull-stud, Gene Ross, works out daily. CAUTION: Ladies please refrain from touching Gene during his work out. and finally . . .
The fiery gates of HELL ! ! Where all porners are destined to end up at.
Remember in June all topless tour members bust size D and above get 50% off admission!
Goddess writes: The Torahland tour sounds cool, but I'm wondering if you're gonna have any rides--ya know, like Disneyland?? Just curious, cause if you're gonna have a Gene Ross ride, I'm gonna be on that sucker all day... BTW, "Helpful," if I can't touch Gene while he's flexing and squating, what the hell is the point?!
Kaspar writes: Hey there - great idea about the bus tour. But you want to do it right! You need a bus and a driver for that bus. My cousin Hector is new here and does not know the language, but he can drive a bus, and I can get you a bus at a very good rate. Fully air conditioned, too, with a pa system so you can talk over the traffic, and new shocks. Needs a bit of work to pass inspection, but not a problem, we can take care of that. So how about it Amigo, ready to do some business?
Ben writes: HI Luke, Luke! Now this is a great idea. I phoned a few of my jewish friends, they just can't wait for you to start these tours.I would like to ask you IF? there was a Van full, could we have a group rate? Say $ 18.99.Plus, yes there are a few. Would you pick us up from LAX? You would spend not time at all picking us out, of a busy airport. We have Ski jackets on, and rubber boots on, and our faces very white, no tan at all. Now, about your apartment. Will it sleep 8 persons plus yourself? (We have to keep the cost down)
Kaspar: I spoke with my cousin Hector. First, he wants to know how many miles a day this will be. Also, he insists that you do not go to where the black people live. too dangerous. And do you really have the money to start this? Just because we are Mexican does not mean we are cheap. You get what you pay for.
George writes: Luke; That Tour sounds like a hell of an idea. My only problem is the $20 for the tour. At present I have only a single Canadian twenty in my wallet. Would that be OK?
I was also thinking that for the extra I might need, the NJG could come along and pay that, besides her own, and for that I would hold onto her and keep her safe because of your atrocious driving that she mentioned. Hell for that price I would even bring an extra pillow to put in front of her face.
That would be for just before you run into something so that she doesn't get her beautiful looks ruined before marrying some rich guy that is going to keep her in the lap of luxury that she is preparing herself for. If her gorgeous face was damaged all she could hope for is some ordinary working stiff like myself. Heaven forbid that should happen!
Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Mr. Ford:
Speaking from the Christian perspective, there is much in your new business venture that can be laudable, provided it is executed properly. Your tour could be used to educate tourists on the dangers of perdition that come with the sin of random fornication outside of Christian marriage.
Begin, as has been suggested by others, with the bus depot, the Gates to Hell where many a young girl has begun her descent to damnation. Continue to the Demon Flynt Building, where Satan first breaks many an innocent's spirit. Then continue on to the filth factories of the Valley, where the dehumanizing process proceeds apace. Be sure to visit some HIV treatment centers, and discuss the relationship between the moral diseases of pornography, feminism, sodomy, etc., and such physical diseases as HIV and hepatitis.
Next stop - an abortion clinic, where unborn children brought to life in this moral sewer are masticated by the whirring blades of the abortionist's cutting tools, to the beat of a hip-hop sound track. This should be followed by a visit to the graves of the damned - porn actresses whose lives were cut short as a result of their involvement with pornography.
This can be a very depressing experience, with little to commend repeat business. So you will want to end on a high note: a trip to a Christian church, where the good news of Christ everlasting, and the promise of forgiveness of even the pornographer's sin, is presented to the shocked attendees in word and song. Finally, offer baptism to all who wish it.
Victory in Christ!
Lord Peter Luther Christian, OBE
John Douglas writes: Dear Lukey, I hope you got my IM where I put in for a reservation for your tour. I see it referenced that the first outing is for the media and since we are often referred to as a very watered-down version of YourMoralLeader.com I assume that I qualify as media. So once again, I am claiming a seat. I shall bring the appropriate gear (including a cell phone should you decide to ditch us all in a gang-infested barrio of East Los Angeles - which is okay with me since I have relatives in those parts).
Confucy writes: You must contact the owners of Graveline Tours and pick their brains. They have one of the most popular tours on the Westside of L.A. Graveline use to make a potty stop at the park across the street from Aaron Spelling's mansion.
You could drive your van into the parking lot of West Hollywood's Pleasure Chest store so people could rush in and pick up one of the most popular vibrators of this century, "the mini- massager G2 Pocket Rocket!"
