Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa XI The asking should occur either in person or over the phone, sometimes over e-mail, rarely over Facebook, and never over text.

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa X Dec. 28, 2009, I interviewed Jewish Journal singles columnist Orit Arfa about her new book on the tests women give men. The Game: Inside the Secret Society of Pickup

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa VII Dec. 28, 2009, I purposefully put my bed by the bathroom door because the feng shui experts said this was the best way to stay chaste.

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa IX There is an act that seems to require more courage from men than asking a boss for a raise, than changing a career path, or even than fighting in a war. It is

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa VIII It doesn’t have to be money. It can be his confidence, his positivity, his values, the way he treats a woman, the strength he projects. If hot women, and you want hot

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Dating Columnist Orit Arfa VI We had lots of moths flying through the hovel and chirping crickets, which I fended off with my bare hands so Orit would feel safe.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dr. Spielvogel - I Need Your Help

"Dr. Spielvogel," he says, "I'm having a problem that I often have. It's with my GF. It's the most important relationship in my life. I have trouble telling her in the moment when I am feeling bad. So I tend to store up my resentment.

"I've become emotionally frozen.

"Her birthday was the other day. We planned to spend it together but flexible. She might have brunch or dinner with friends.

"Two days before, I get this mass email with all the plans for her birthday. It didn't make me feel special. I got the same notice as 50 other people. It felt like a slap in the face. I didn't feel special. It said to me, I don't care if you want to do this activity or not. I don't care how you feel about this. I'm indifferent to you. If you want to spend my birthday with me, you'll do it my way or not at all.

"I didn't say anything in the moment. She's very similar to my GF Peppy from 2000. She's happy, peppy, everything's great, and if I express any pain at her actions, then I'm a dick.

"She's always doing things that I can't point to as wrong, but they just make me feel bad. But if I voice my pain, I feel like a dick. She doesn't want to explain, justify or defend herself, but always does if I voice objection, and then she's pissed at me, and she punishes me by standing me up, maintaining radio silence or the like.

"She comes over to pick me up for her birthday celebration. She's frantic and filled with anxiety. As she's driving, she says she took a medication to slow her heartbeat and a tranquilizer. We keep getting close to getting into accidents. This is a girl who's driven me in the past after a couple of wines over dinner. Her cell phone is buzzing. I say, 'Please don't answer that.'

"We're cruising along at 60mph on the 10 East and she says, 'I'm not answering it. I just want to see who's calling.' So she picks up her phone and looks at who's calling. And in that time, we cover about 100 yards.

"So I'm feeling super unsafe. I often feel unsafe around her. I wish she would've told me that she'd taken a valium before she picked me up. I could've driven or made alternate plans.

"I don't say anything because I don't want to have a conflict while she's driving.

"I don't connect with her at all during the celebration. I get along fine with her friends. We come back to the hovel. She's all giddy as she listens to the messages on her phone wishing her happy birthday.

"I have to eat. She lies down. And boom, she goes to sleep. And she's out.

"She'd gone from super-high to catatonic in ten minutes. It was weird.

"I felt left out the whole day. I felt left out when she was super-high and I felt left-out when she was catatonic. By 11pm, I wanted her to leave and I put on the lights and she got up and left.

"She tells me about a friend from working asking her to the movies that week. It didn't feel good to hear. She wasn't asking me how I would feel about that. She doesn't ask me how I would feel about any of her choices. She just tells me her decisions and I can like it or lump it. I don't feel special. I feel the object of her contempt."

"On her side, she rejects having to explain herself. I don't want her to feel like she has to explain herself when I voice my pain. I just want her to hear me."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Craigslist Insights

Joe emails: One of my more disreputable habits is trolling the personal ads on Craigslist to check out the women offering their services for a "sugar daddy." I read these ads, look at the photos, and otherwise form my stereotypes. The number of asian women trying to sell themselves to the the White Man is striking. (There are also quite a few black women looking for the Perfect White Man, but I assume that just as in real life, nobody bothers paying any attention to them.) I know it is wrong of me to generalize about all Asian women based on what one sees on Craigslist, but damn - these Asian women dye their hair platinum blond, shave or die everything else, get breast jobs, and often do something to their eyes to make them look even whiter. But in the end, they never quite pull it off, and one knows that one is looking at an Asian woman who is doing everything in her power to look white. Again and on aethetic grounds alone, I prefer the look of white women over all others.

Upon further reflection the above is really unfair - I'm judging an entire race based on that tiny subset trying to sell itself on Craigslist. The Asian women my white friends have married have tended to be more than presentable in the looks department, level-headed, good to great mothers and suitable wives. The White Woman would do well to learn from such women before running off to marry some rich athlete of uncertain values and lineage.

Frank emails: I received an interesting news item from one of my sources.

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem. “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

Friday, December 11, 2009

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman IX You get pegged really early about whether you are pretty or not. Then you’re really conscious of what the pretty girls have. And yes, now I find out that they had eat

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman VIII Writing became the focus of my life, without donuts. I ended up going to grad school. I was like the crippled girl getting to work. I got straight As at grad school.

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman VII Didn’t want to finish it. I was about to crinkle it up and throw it in the trash and he made me read what I had. And then he said, isn’t that interesting? He found something.

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman VI I adored my father. I just wanted to get to know him. I always thought of him as my prince. I could only see him summers. I’d spend all year looking forward to seeing

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman II I was the new kid in school. I always felt like a martian, being Jewish, having a divorced parent, no brothers and sisters. I though this is going to be make me more

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman IV I had this great group. It was the funnest time of my life. The most social time at such a pivotal age. Then Liz and I both loved Allen and then Allen picked Liz. I

Writing Teacher Terrie Silverman III Even though I adored my father, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I found that all I had to say when anyone asked about my father was, They’re divorced and then no more

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I Love Low-Acid Coffee

I was a hardcore coffee drinker for years, someone who loved the great taste of a fresh brewed cup of gourmet java. Until my body said, Stop! The subsequent indigestion - call it coffee catharsis - was too great to bear . . . and I finally stopped drinking the stuff. Bear in mind I craved coffee because - surprise! - the really good beans taste great. And I had no intention of buying some medicated, diluted, mediocre "coffee flavored" substitute as a means of satisfying my longing for the real thing. No thanks. So coffee was like a former lover: something I remembered fondly, but could never have again. And then I discovered Puroast® Low Acid Coffee (, the best thing to happen to coffee since, well, forever. This brand is gourmet - I repeat: this brand is gourmet coffee! - and the taste is incredible! Half the acid, all the taste . . . and the smoothest, tastiest Cup of Joe I've had in years. Best of all, I don't have any stomach upset when I drink Puroast®.

So far so good, right? I have even better news: Puroast® is now available at the pharmacy! In my quest to find the latest news about this brand - yes, my coffee addiction is back, and I'm so happy to have fallen off the wagon - I uncovered an announcement that Puroast® is the only gourmet coffee also available in the pharmacy. Check it out! Dee-licious!

Monday, December 07, 2009

Dr. Spielvogel

"There's a certain type of girl I'm attracted to," says Josh. "I like a talker. Someone articulate. Good with words. I like a climber. I'm a climb. We both want to climb to a higher social circle, to surround ourselves with people of great accomplishment. I want a girl who takes me into a higher realm. I want a woman who loves sex. Who's well-read.

"This is my longest relationship with the ****s of the world. This is my type. I've never managed to make it last this long. Normally they blow me off after a few hours or a few dates or a few weeks. This time around, I'm more strong in myself. I'm more poised.

"There was this girl I was with in 2000. She was always doing these things that made me feel less-than. She was hyper-educated and hyper successful. And I was always feeling like she was manipulating me, but I could rarely put my finger on what she was doing.

"She'd take her time returning my phone calls. After we'd gone out for a couple of weeks, she sat me down for a talk and said the dreaded, 'We want different things.'

"Great girls I want to get with are always telling me, 'We want different things.' It always means, I'm not going to sleep with you. I'm not going to date you.

"Well, we kept seeing each other and I kept feeling less-than. After she didn't return my phone call for a couple of days, I finally sent her an email breaking things off after about six weeks of this. It was easier for me to be the one breaking it off.

"She called me. She hadn't gotten my email yet. She invited me to spend the weekend with her. To go to this wedding with her. To meet her family. She mentioned we would spend the night for the first time.

"But I had sent off this break-up email and denied myself this chance. It would've been so much better if I could've stayed poised and not fired off that email. At least I would've gotten to **** her.

"That's a big deal. Before sex, the woman has more power. You're romancing her and you're spending money on her and you're denying to know when you will sleep with her.

"Once you sleep with a girl, the vulnerability evens out, even she becomes more vulnerable than you. That's why you often here about a guy sleeping with a girl once and then moving on. He's gotten what he wants. He has an indelible emotional memory to sustain him for the rest of his life.

"Often when I'm having relationship sex, I bury my head in my girlfriend's shoulder and as I'm trying to come, I start running through all these erotic memories in my head. Eighty percent of the time in relationship sex, I'm not thinking about my girlfriend when I'm trying to climax. I'm thinking about a sexy teacher I had in elementary school or these haughty girls I knew in high school or this centerfold I saw at 16 or this erotic experience I had at 28 in the back of a car. Those erotic memories sustain me through monogamy, though I've never been in a relationship longer than a year.

"I wonder if sex would be different if I only thought about the one I was with. It would be more intimate. Perhaps I should look in her eyes. I remember this girl who insisted that I look in her eyes during sex because she knew that guys tend to fantasize about others when they're trying to climax or to at least maintain an erection. She also didn't want me to masturbate or to look at porn when she wasn't around. She wanted to control my cock and she wanted me to direct all my sexual energy towards her.

"After sex, I immediately want to jump off and take a shower. I don't like the smell of sex. Most women, they love the smell of sex. They don't want to shower. They want to walk around all day with the smell and feel of sex. Not me. I want to get clean. Then I want to cuddle with her.

"Sex usually leads to emotional intimacy. I like that. It's just the smell and messiness of sex that I don't want to dwell in."

Beth: How many women did you survey? I shower as soon as possible. It's probably a little insulting how fast I jump out of bed after.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Luke Ford's Fantasy Girl I met Jane at UCLA in the fall of 1988. I was an atheistic communist at the time, lost in the early stages of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.