Wednesday, May 27, 2009

She decided to never fight with him again

As her words only ended up in his fiction. (Blake Bailey)
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For years I worried I was on the verge of doing something horrible

That I was inch away from spinning out of control. I have not felt that way for months. I feel like my life has settled down. I feel in control. I credit therapy, Alexander Technique and yoga (cold showers every morning, etc).
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It had all begun very innocently as a writing exercise

"Why don't we go to yoga and write dueling versions?" He suggested via Facebook.

Oakland goes one better on SF and NH

From Stephen Steinlight:Hi, All:

Check it out below! Oakland has introduced a new twist on the municipal id for illegal aliens: the elimination of gender identification. Now the transgendered illegal alien need not fear being hatefully misclassified in any way whatsoever! Is that way cool or what?! To think San Francisco didn't come up with it first.

To which I can only add: God bless America, or, in the immortal words of our First Lady, "This is the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I've felt proud to be an American."
Who can now say we are an uncaring nation?
It's just that beautiful.

Oakland proposes ID card for undocumented
By Matthai Kuruvila
The San Francisco Chronicle, May 27, 2009

Oakland wants to offer its residents an identification card, a move that would primarily help undocumented immigrants engage with - and, some lament, blend into - broader society.

That, by itself, would be enough controversy. But Oakland officials are debating much broader uses than what other cities, including San Francisco, have done. In particular, they propose including:

-- A debit card function, allowing poor people to avoid exorbitant fees of check cashing shops and to be less vulnerable to muggings by carrying less cash.

-- Eliminating gender identity, which they say would allow transgender people to more comfortably avoid discrimination.

The details have yet to be worked out, and they will be up for discussion June 2 at the city council meeting. The council will ask acting City Administrator Dan Lindheim to come up with a plan for implementation, which the council would need to approve.

The city's finance committee, which includes four council members, unanimously and enthusiastically approved sending it to the full City Council Tuesday.

Don't you remember what you done to me on the floor?

Didn't you mean it?
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Cheever: A Life

I am in Norwalk drinking pink lemonade and enjoying this new book by Blake Bailey. Anybody want to party?
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

God and Torah

Here I am, the greatest writer of my generation, reduced to running errands for a boss in Norwalk, when I'd much rather be thinking about God and Torah and sex with shiksas and how very wicked that is.
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The greatest writer of my generation

Without a doubt, I am the greatest writer of my generation. Yet here I stand at Target in Norwalk calling my boss with the bad news that Target chewable multivitamins for children are available only in 60 tablet packs and there are only three of them.
I tell my boss that bottles of Flintstones multivitamins (150 tablets) cost $11.89 while the Target 60-tablet packs costs $4.49 and he is calculating out the price per tablet while the greatest writer of his generation stands waiting for his decision.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Yom Yerushaliam (Jerusalem Day)

We are davening hallel with musical instruments at Louis Kemp's home in Pico-Robertson. About 100 hundred happy Jews, mainly young.
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Fw: meir kin

Regarding this:

Morris emails:

In response to your recent letter from jeremy stern from Ora, please post:

Dear readers

Jeremy Stern continues to mislead every bit of the way. There are no new developments in terms of Meir issuing a new Get. Rather the reason the rally is being cancelled is because the community rabbis are 1)seeing the truth stare them in their eyes, as the overwhelming evidence previously submitted is hard to ignore, as it paints a picture of a vicious woman who has tried all the tricks of the trade and now Feigns as AN AGUNA. 2) the community at large is outraged at ORA and the RCC for ignoring the truth and employing mafia-like tactics. Additionally, Jeremy Stern has written a lie in the website. He states that no rabbi will marry her off with such a GET. Suggesting that no rabbi will honor his GET, is ludicrous as suggesting that Cheerios has pork as an ingredient. Let it be known that Rabbi Abraham and Rabbi Gestetner from NY, and 2 Rabbi Kins from LA, would be available to officiate her Kiddushin whenever she wishes to remarry, and this is just a partial list of Rabbis who will attend her Chupa. The time has come to stand up for the truth and STOP THE LOSHON HORA. Ora is a political wing of Y.U who promotes a feminist left wing agenda, reflexively attacking men in all circumstances. It should be noted that like all seasoned politicians, Jeremy Stern is quite skilled at trying to spin the facts to suit his agenda. While it is true that recent positive developments have led to the cancellation of the rally,those developments are positive for Meir and for the side of truth, and not for ORA.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I am in the Imperial Cafe at the LA County Recorder's Office in Norwalk

Crazy good times!
This no place for a Torah Jew.
I didn't bring my wallet. Maybe some nice girl will buy me a drink.
I have a new job driving a friend to and from Norwalk every weekday.
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Monday, May 18, 2009

Joey Kurtzman, Where are you?

This bloke just disappeared from my life. He was supposed to come over and deprogram me from a dangerous cult I joined. I must put out an all points bulletin for joey. This man is armed with torah knowledge he stole from me and must be considered dangerous.
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My sports allegiances cause me more pain than pleasure

And you?
We are not even mentioning the waste of time.
What makes for a sports fan? It is someone who is unhappy with his life and wants to take on the glamorous virtues of a particular team, forgetting his miserable individual existence and losing himself in the ALL and vicariously sharing in the team's glories.

A friend emails: I can't really explain my obsession with the Lakers...maybe when you explain to me yours with the Cowboys, I'll get a better understanding of why smart, grown men like you and I can get such pleasure from these things. Actually, I changed my mind. I don't want to know. I'm afraid if I analyze it too much, I'll stop being a fan, and getting all this pleasure.

Very interesting point...when they lose and disappoint, I try to tune them out and pray for better days. Unlike real family and friends and community, which deserve a claim on my pain, the Lakers are only there for pleasure...maybe that's why I love them.

And when's Romo going to stop dating those bimbos which get in the way of real macho performance on the playing field?

My body is changing

I am taking a break from my Alexander Technique class. My back and neck are straighter and I am lengthening and widening. My personality is more calm and I feel poised and graceful.
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Keeping Kids Safe

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz writes in The Jewish Press:

If you were to attend a convention of mental health professionals who specialize in treating abuse victims, and if you were to ask the attendees what steps or initiatives they would like to see implemented to protect children from predators and to assist those who have already been victimized, you would probably get responses like:

  • A broad-based awareness campaign informing parents about the dangers of abuse and the warning signs that might indicate their child had been victimized.
  • Dramatically increased prison sentences for monsters who abuse children; perhaps even to the level of one who commits murder.
  • The dissemination of child-friendly pamphlets designed to assist parents in the delicate task of speaking to their children about personal space, good-touching-bad-touching, and other basic themes that research has proven to be highly effective in keeping children safe.
  • Enhanced enforcement of mandated reporting laws that require educators and healthcare professionals to report telltale signs of abuse to the authorities.
  • Sliding-scale professional counseling for abuse victims to assure that all children who have been traumatized by the ravages of abuse have access to mental-health services regardless of their ability to pay.

My first text post

I did this via email from my blackberry!
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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Life in the Office

Jane emails:

I swear this just happened:

a woman started screaming. we all ran to her cubicle. she was holding a split-open muffin leftover from a morning meeting.

Look inside, she screamed.

Is is a roach, someone asked.

Worse, she said.

I bravely stepped forward to peek as she screamed again:

"A condom!"

With my thumb and index finger, I gingerly plucked out the culprit and popped it in my mouth.

Now everyone started screaming.

I continue to eat the rest of the muffin.

It was a dried banana slice. Yum.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Beyond The Breakers

"Come swimming with me," I plead.

She looks doubtful.

"Come on, it will be fun."

She frowns.

"It’s only cold for the first 30 seconds. Then you get used to it.

"Come on. Mary would do it."

Her face shifts from hard to soft to crumpled. "You know what to say to get me to do anything."

There’s a long pause.

"But I don’t have my bathing suit on."

"Take off your dress. Come in in your panties and t-shirt. Come on, let’s do something together."

"You’re a natural. I was so impressed this morning. You dove through the waves. You rode the breakers like you were on a surfboard. Then you came out of the froth looking like Venus."

"You mean Adonis."

"You always win the word games."

I take her hand. "Come on."

She lets go of me and looks around the beach.

We see nobody we know.

"I don’t want you to leave me," she says. "Stay close. But don’t grab me either. Don’t play any games. I’m frightened of the surf."

"I’ll stay by you," I promise.

She drops her skirt and purse.

I retake her hand. "Let’s run in," I say, "then we’ll dive in and swim."

She says nothing but she’s not going for my idea.

I walk beside her. The cold water makes her gasp.

I’m smiling so hard that my jaw hurts.

A wave crests and I dive through it. She turns her back on it and it knocks her down.

She comes up coughing and spluttering.

"Come on," I implore, swimming out to sea.

Awkwardly and slowly she follows me.

Once we’re beyond the breakers, we can’t touch the bottom.

"This is great," I say. "It’ll build trust between us. I’ll keep you safe.

"Feel the undertow?"


She panics. "I’m going back in."

"Stay," I plead. "You’ll be fine. I’m right here. If we get pulled out, we’ll just swim to the side out of it."

But she’s already making for shore, stumbling through the surf, finding her feet, and walking away.

I turn and swim out to sea.

Already On The 110

It’s 7:47 am and she’s calling from the road.

"How was your big dinner?"

"Never-shattering," she says.

"How many people?"

"About 50.

"I was so anxious I had to drink. I got quite drunk."

"How did you get home?"

"I drove."

"How much did you drink?"

"I had a glass of wine to start the evening. And then half a glass over dinner. And then afterwards, a bunch of us stayed behind and the chef brought out seafood crepes. And I had another half a glass of wine."

"How much does it take you to get drunk?"

"One glass. I’m a lightweight."

"Do you want to get together tonight?"

"Do you want to see me?"

"Yes, I want to see you. I adore you."

"OK then. How much do you want to see me?"

"This much."


"How about dinner at my place at 7pm?"

"Hmm, I don’t know. I have such a big day. I don’t want to commit."

"So you’ll let me know?"

"OK. I’m pulling in to work. I’ll let you know."

5:30 pm. I’m resting when the phone rings.

I get up ten minutes later and check the caller ID.

It’s her.

I dial her digits.

"You coming?" I ask.

"Honey, I called you right after work. You didn’t answer. So I turned for home. I’m already on the 110."