Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I Get A Relationship Coach

Khunrum writes: You don't need a coach. With your personality and financial assets you should have no trouble finding a wife.

My take is that you are simply fishing in the wrong stream. Try the personal adds in Tijuana and Manila. Don't forget to show a picture of the van so they'll know there is lots of room when extended family drop by......(also good for hiding members of her clan who have just waded across the Rio Grande)

Dr Janice writes to

Does Luke Ford have any idea how narcissistic he is? I don’t think so, and that’s why he isn’t married. He has absolutely no awareness of how his words could be received by women, let alone how his actions affect them, even when women tell him directly.

I can’t tell if he’s actually going out on dates. But he sure talks a lot about what HE wants and what HE thinks about women, relationships, religion, whining and (of course) sex. B - o- r- i- n- g ! ! !

The main I have question is this – What does Luke Ford actually have to offer a woman in a relationship?? What can he contribute to make his marriage more than just gratifying Luke Ford?


That was a fun post. It certainly got my narcissistic attention.

I am a huge believer in psychology, therapy and having coaches. All my life I've looked to mentors for help.

I got the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from a shrink in Australia in March 2000.

To quote from the report:

Luke is very dependent upon other people for his identity as a person.

He has poor identity integration and poor self esteem. Accordingly, Luke is always looking for mirroring - it's called "narcissistic supply." That is to say that Luke is always looking for external validation of himself as a person (i.e., he needs other people to tell him who he is). However, because it is not possible for people to mirror him all the time, he gets disappointed and this can turn to envy. Luke may not be conscious of the fact that he is very envious of his family as they seem to have things he would like to have but does not have. This leads to him fluctuating between, on the one hand, devaluing people such as the family (putting them down) and on the other, idealisation of people - such as Dennis Prager.


A few points:

* It may be that I have written not a word of the Luke Ford Seeks A Wife blog. Or it may not...

* I sold in August 2001.

* I have had several relationships that have lasted about a year and I have many friendships that go back more than 25 years to childhood. I am on good terms with almost all my ex's. So that says something about my ability to relate to people. I am more gentle in my relationships than in part of my blogging.

* I've had an active dating life. Financial problems inhibit that now. I don't write that much about my dating, as I don't about my shul and my sacred relationships because these areas of my life are sacred and are not generally for blogging. If I blog it, it generally means it is not sacred to me. If I were looking for advice on dating or other personal matters, I would turn to friends, clergy, psycho-therapists etc all who are accessible to me. I would not turn to my blog-reading audience unless it was for humor.

* A great deal of what I write is number one, not written by me, including stuff in my name on my blog YML and elsewhere, and two, written primarily for humorous affect.

* The parts of my life that are most precious to me, and such precious persons, are the ones least likely to show up in my writing in any form. Most of the persons who had been in my personal life who I wrote about in my memoir are persons who've written me off. Therefore, I was not sacrificing their friendship when I wrote about them. I didn't burn any active friendships in that book or in my blogging.

* I don't like promoting myself. I am not going to make the case on my blog, or probably not in real life either, for why someone should have a relationship with me. It lacks dignity to make these claims. I have self-evident worth. I don't need to package or market myself. I do the work believing I will be rewarded for the good I do and punished for the bad, if not in this life, then in the world to come.

* I got a shrink who said many of the manifestations of my NPD could be blunted with proper medication. I've been much happier and easier to be with since getting on lithium (mood stabilizer), clonazepam (anti-anxiety) and clonidine (anti-ADD). But as anyone who reads me know, pharmacology is an inexact science.

* Many people think I have designs on women I blog about, such as Chayyei Sarah. If I had serious intentions towards a woman, I don't think I'd blog about her. Blogging is for fun!


Janice responds:

Luke – have you thought that it is duplicitous to be passing off posts written by others as your own? Do you realize that the people, especially the women, that you’ve directed your whining about, will actually think that you’re a misogynist, rather than just someone suffering from a mental illness? This lack of honesty is only going to further impede your efforts to get married, IMHO.

I respect that you find your dates and feelings private and “sacred,” however I think that this is just a rationalization to protect you from taking a real, objective look at yourself, your behavior, and the effects of your behaviors on others. Because if you did (look at yourself), then you might be able to make the changes that would help you create and maintain the kind of relationship that you really want. You may still be friends with your exes, but is that really your goal?

I suggest that you stop hiding behind your ghost-written posts and start posting honest accounts of your life. That’s the best way to get the help you say you want, especially from your readers (and me too, if you so desire) to find a magnanimous Jewish woman to settle down with.

Luke replies:

* Blogging is not primarily about therapy for me. It is about the thing in itself. I have written with excruciating honesty about myself at times. I don't think there's a lack of rigorous self analysis in my work, particularly my memoir.

* One man's duplicity is another's humor. It's not my fault that many Americans have an irony deficiency. If a woman does not find the Luke Ford Seeks A Wife blog funny, and my work funny, and the work of people inspired by me funny, then she is not for me.

* The primary goal of my writing and blogging is not marriage. It is to do good work in the faith that good things will result from that. Most of the funniest comedians do work that many would find racist, misanthropic etc, but what counts is, is it funny? Is it insightful? Does it evoke interesting and profound responses? Those are the criteria I write by.

* Friendships with exes is not my main goal, and I never claimed it was. It is simply better to be on cordial terms with exes, usually, than bitter terms.

* I would say that marriage is my main goal in my life now, along with the quality of my work, the development of non-romantic relationships (primarily with other guys), the practice of my religion and the growth of my character.