In Cecile's imagination:
Luke appeared unnatural in his tuxedo. His bride was about to walk down the aisle to meet him below the chupah--only she was supposed to be here five minutes ago. No one could ever stand up Luke Ford! He was supposed to be irrestibly charming--so that any gal would say yes if he proposed--even half jokingly.
Suddenly she appeared but her eyes were swollen red. She was nervous. He was not surprised. Any girl would be scared out of their wits to spend the rest of their lives with him. Here was a guy who drove in a bashed up vehicle, slept on the floor and whose hovel looked like someone was murdered--a good place for Mystery Theatre, as acclaimed cartoonist Donna Barstow once said.
His bride was not accustomed to such roguish living. She would never sleep on a floor. She spent most of her life tucked away in the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills and her transportation was always provided by a top-of-the-rate chauffer in a brand new nice-smelling limousine. She could not turn back now--no because her rabbinical father promised her in marriage in condition that Luke stop writing dirt about him. He was a former flesh business tycoon.
At nineteen, she had no boyfriends because, well, her father would have them wrongly accused and thrown into the prisons at Guatanamo Bay. This lady was so pure she was never kissed if not shooken hands with. Her waif-like eyes fluttered behind her clear tears as she slowly walked down the aisle as if to the slaughter. Her husband-to-be was almost twice her age, slightly overweight, and was promiscious in his youth. She was petite, skinnier than an anorexic, and purer than the Virgin Mary.
The 'rabbi' (former mafioso) began chanting his trope. Luke was disgusted with this false Hebrew, but tried to hide it so at least his bride could think it pure. Luke's bride was not a Torah Jew--she was moral and well kept, but because of her sheltered upbringing, her knew nothing about Judaism.
Luke's bride forced a smile as he started muttering foreign words at her face. Suddenly, his sweaty hand cupped hers and a clammy ring engulfed her finger.
She realized she had to do the same thing to him. She took his tanned waxed finger and carefully placed an identical ring on his finger. Suddenly, she had to chant Hebrew. Luke whispered the phrases in her ear. She repeated somewhat less than accurately. After loudly breaking the wineglass, the festivities began.
Loud rambunctious Klezmer music began to play off the stereo. Many of Luke's distant friends (flesh industry tycoons), and rabbitizim began to dance. Of course, both social groups were estranged from each other. One 'friend' got far more than drunk and started muttering unseemly phrases. He was arrested by Luke's in-laws guards and kept in a back room. Luke, downing three Foster beers, started leaping from one table to another. His bride looked helplessly on. With her Mormon/Jewish upbringing, she would never touch the unkosher fluids. She smiled and helped her new husband down. His bloodshot eyes peered into hers profoundly. She smilked meekly. His eyebrows furrowed. She puckered her lips. His mouth opened. She advanced towards him. Vomit spewed forth.
Luke's bride started screaming and demanded help. Her parents came and escorted him to the back right by the drunk 'friend'. Her mother tried to console as she sobbed. Meanwhile as her maids were cleaning up her bridal dress, two 'friends' were playing Strip Chess in which each piece lost equals a garment to be tossed aside. And worse--people began to copy their game as well. By the time the maids cleaned up the dress and helped Luke's bride into a simple frock, half of the wedding guests were dancing naked to a fast-paced version of 'Chava Nagila'. The rabbitizim were beginning to leave politely saying the party was not for them.
After the wild reception, all guests calmed down while eating cake. Long speeches soon followed. Cathy Seipp read a humorous speech on Luke's bachelor days and how she reformed him. As a gift, she presented him many house-keeping books as well as a gift certificate to Crate and Barrel. Luke's humbled family exclaimed how happy they were to hear of his settling down. Of course, they were oblivious to the fact that this was an arranged marriage.
Luke's bride, recovered from Luke's ill moment, shyly said how happy she was to marry Luke. She started weeping, while simultaneously saying she was happy. Her brother thankfully escorted her off the podium.
The next day, Luke and his new bride left for Barbados.
