Due to the sacrifices I've made to live an ethical life, I have no money for such apparently necessary activities as dating. (You'd be shocked if you knew what people were willing to pay me for what you'd be even more shocked to learn they wanted me to do or write about. I continue to turn them down, and will continue to do so no matter what.)
I subsist on a huge sack of bug-infested rice that I bought during happier days and the vegetables I manage to harvest from several well-situated dumpsters around town. That, and the free meals I snag by accompanying certain women to fancy shmancy events attended by (real estate) millionaires pretending to belong to the lower classes.
