Jacob Stein writes: This post is intended to expand a little bit on last week’s post. I would like to elaborate on some of the best tools available to catch secret atheists.
First and foremost, is monitoring software. I may be mistaken, however I have an impression that nearly all atheists are avid Internet users. The Internet provides easy access to all types of obscenity and therefore atheists swarm to it like flies swarming around a pool of sewage. If you are able to install monitoring software on the suspect’s computer without him being aware of it, then that will be incredibly useful. You will be able to read every email, instant message, see every webpage, everything. It’s basically as close as you can come to actually reading someone’s mind.
My motto is: If you’re not sure, monitor!
The next step would probably be to track the suspect’s movements using either a GPS tracking device hidden in the car or installing GPS tracking software on the suspect’s cell phone. If you are wondering if your husband is really at that Talmud lecture, or is he somewhere more unsavory, now you’ll know.
If you suspect drug usage by a member of your family, then just obtain a small hair sample (a little snip of payos might be ideal) and send it in for analysis. You’ll know exactly what he’s been using for the past three months.
STD tests require a urine and/or blood sample. If you suspect, however, that your unmarried daughter is sexually active, you might want to test her underpants for semen.
After this, further questions can be answered by asking the suspected atheist to undergo a lie detector examination.
These methods are more or less standard for investigating marital infidelity, and can all be used to detect religious infidelity as well.
In addition to these practical efforts to track down and ostracize atheists, we must also fervently pray for the immediate destruction of Jewish heretics.
