In shul Friday night, I rubbed my siddur (prayer book) and made three wishes:
* A franchise quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
* That Steven Weiss would just give me Protocols so I could do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God.
* That I could marry a woman who had the:
- Looks of Susannah Heschel
- The long black hair of Jerusalem Post Washington correspondent Janine Zacharia
- The midot of Chayyei Sarah
- The literary sensitivity of Alana Newhouse
- The razor wit and no-nonsense approach of Cathy Seipp
- The cuteness of J.J. Goldberg (Forward editor)
- The fertility of rebbetzin Tziporah Heller (15 kids)
- The gourmet skills of Rob Eshman (Jewish Journal editor)
- The voice of Leslie Katz (former SF Jewish paper reporter)
- The bouyant personality of Lisa On The Face
- The submissiveness of Forward reporter Eve Kessler
- The running ability of Julius Jones (150 yards Thursday against Chicago, yeah!)
- The sexual drive of Malcolm Hoenlein (who told reporter Walter Ruby, "If you publish this story, I will f--- you for the rest of your life")
I also wished for some other characteristics of my future wife but modesty prevents me from listing them here.
Anyway, if you are such a woman as this, or pretty close to it (I'm willing to compromise in some things, hit me up now because I'm going fast, I'm getting worn down to a frazzle by these Hittite priestesses).
