So I was saying my blessings and humbly eating my lunch this afternoon around 1:30 p.m. I was tuned to ESPN2 watching Shakira in concert celebrating the World Cup.
She's blonde and white and lithe and gorgeous to watch.
My lunch was going down nicely.
Then she took the mic and put it on a bench and rolled it back and forth with her breasts.
I can't get that move out of my head.
I'm a simple Jew. I don't do things like this. I don't know girls who do things like this. Oy, this is all so foreign to me and so disturbing.
I was appalled and aghast and very deeply morally opposed. So after she gyrated through three more songs and ESPN went to a commercial break, I turned off my TV to demonstrate my moral opposition to hot blooded blonde Latina singers rolling mics between their breasts while in concert on ESPN.
Enough is enough!
Then I Googled "Shakira breasts" and learned that Shakira is happy with her small breasts.
That's cool. I'm happy with Shakira's small breasts too. Though they may not be large, they seem to fold very nicely around a mic.
It's been five hours since I saw that obscene image and it's still haunting me. It runs in a repeating loop in my brain. It only lasted about three seconds on my TV, but it has inspired these thoughts, that oy, a simple Jew should not think about.
Now I understand why Jimmy Carter told Playboy magazine that he lusted in his heart. It's taken 33 years, but I've finally understood his remarks.
According to Urban Celebs: Shakira has revealed that she is very happy with her body despite the fact that she has small breasts. She said:
“I used to worry about my breast size, but I’ve finally accepted myself for who I am. Besides, a big butt is more important in Latin culture.”
So, Shakira's happy. I'm happy, though tormented. She moves well. I guess it helps to not be weighed down by gargantuan breasts.
Shakira's concert ended hours ago but I can still see her in my mind dancing around the stage.
And then there was the time she took a refreshing sip of some drink. That straw just disappeared into her mouth, just slid in there all smooth and natural like, and then she wrapped her lips around that straw and without any undue strain, she just lightly sucked on that straw and the refreshing liquid poured down her throat and she seemed so refreshed and happy.
I wish I was that straw. I want to be the straw that stirs the drink. That's kinda how I see myself as a moral leader, not exerting power over people but just exercising a benign influence. I'm the straw that stirs the white girl's drink.
