"There's a certain type of girl I'm attracted to," says Josh. "I like a talker. Someone articulate. Good with words. I like a climber. I'm a climb. We both want to climb to a higher social circle, to surround ourselves with people of great accomplishment. I want a girl who takes me into a higher realm. I want a woman who loves sex. Who's well-read.
"This is my longest relationship with the ****s of the world. This is my type. I've never managed to make it last this long. Normally they blow me off after a few hours or a few dates or a few weeks. This time around, I'm more strong in myself. I'm more poised.
"There was this girl I was with in 2000. She was always doing these things that made me feel less-than. She was hyper-educated and hyper successful. And I was always feeling like she was manipulating me, but I could rarely put my finger on what she was doing.
"She'd take her time returning my phone calls. After we'd gone out for a couple of weeks, she sat me down for a talk and said the dreaded, 'We want different things.'
"Great girls I want to get with are always telling me, 'We want different things.' It always means, I'm not going to sleep with you. I'm not going to date you.
"Well, we kept seeing each other and I kept feeling less-than. After she didn't return my phone call for a couple of days, I finally sent her an email breaking things off after about six weeks of this. It was easier for me to be the one breaking it off.
"She called me. She hadn't gotten my email yet. She invited me to spend the weekend with her. To go to this wedding with her. To meet her family. She mentioned we would spend the night for the first time.
"But I had sent off this break-up email and denied myself this chance. It would've been so much better if I could've stayed poised and not fired off that email. At least I would've gotten to **** her.
"That's a big deal. Before sex, the woman has more power. You're romancing her and you're spending money on her and you're denying to know when you will sleep with her.
"Once you sleep with a girl, the vulnerability evens out, even she becomes more vulnerable than you. That's why you often here about a guy sleeping with a girl once and then moving on. He's gotten what he wants. He has an indelible emotional memory to sustain him for the rest of his life.
"Often when I'm having relationship sex, I bury my head in my girlfriend's shoulder and as I'm trying to come, I start running through all these erotic memories in my head. Eighty percent of the time in relationship sex, I'm not thinking about my girlfriend when I'm trying to climax. I'm thinking about a sexy teacher I had in elementary school or these haughty girls I knew in high school or this centerfold I saw at 16 or this erotic experience I had at 28 in the back of a car. Those erotic memories sustain me through monogamy, though I've never been in a relationship longer than a year.
"I wonder if sex would be different if I only thought about the one I was with. It would be more intimate. Perhaps I should look in her eyes. I remember this girl who insisted that I look in her eyes during sex because she knew that guys tend to fantasize about others when they're trying to climax or to at least maintain an erection. She also didn't want me to masturbate or to look at porn when she wasn't around. She wanted to control my cock and she wanted me to direct all my sexual energy towards her.
"After sex, I immediately want to jump off and take a shower. I don't like the smell of sex. Most women, they love the smell of sex. They don't want to shower. They want to walk around all day with the smell and feel of sex. Not me. I want to get clean. Then I want to cuddle with her.
"Sex usually leads to emotional intimacy. I like that. It's just the smell and messiness of sex that I don't want to dwell in."
Beth: How many women did you survey? I shower as soon as possible. It's probably a little insulting how fast I jump out of bed after.
