I so enjoyed hearing your deepest truths this morning. The intensity of your emotions is exciting to me.
When I offered a peep of my own emotion -- "I feel like I have lost a month" -- I got your old "Do you think it is psychological?" routine.
I'd like you to drop this question and this approach from all your dealings with me, and frankly, with the entire world.
I'm sure you have asked the question thousands of times in your life and I can't imagine it ever having a good result. Did it ever make you closer to anyone? Did they ever respond, "Oh, thank you. That is such a helpful perspective. I had never thought about the possibility that psychology might offer answers to the physical pain I am suffering right now."
You don't know anyone who is not aware of the power of psychology. You have zero training in psychology and playing amateur psychologist, when this is not sought, is obnoxious and contemptuous.
When I share my physical pain with you, from a bad back to a flu that never goes away to CFS, I don't want to hear "Do you think it is psychological?"
As you know, I believe deeply in the power of psychology. I have spent years on psycho-meds such as clonidine and lithium. I am in therapy. I have a psychiatrist.
Nothing good can come from your question, not to me nor to anyone. Let's say the physical pain I am describing is 100% psychological. do you think your question will hasten me to this insight? On the other hand, if my problem is not psychological, your question won't help either. However you look at it, your question can only come across to me and to anyone as smug, contemptuous, superior, and obnoxious.
Drop it!
Also, when I am sharing my feelings, or when anyone is sharing their feelings with you, this is not the time to offer a reframe such as "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome may be the greatest gift you have ever received."
You don't have Byron Katie's skills or training. I can't imagine you offering reframes would ever help anyone when these reframes are not solicited, let alone me. It's just obnoxious.
If you want to offer the good work of Byron Katie, share a DVD or CD or a book, that is one thing, but to try to play Byron Katie when a friend is sharing his feelings is obnoxious.
I am all down with watching a Byron Katie DVD with you or whatever... I'm into personal growth.
A sharing of feelings is a completely different type of conversation from a seeking for solutions. When we're sharing our feelings, this is generally not a time to seek solutions. When I or anyone start a sentence with, "I feel..." that should be a red flag for you not to jump in with your amateur psychology sleuthing skills and start offering up reframes and solutions. I don't do it to you and you appreciate it.
It's a time to empathize and to seek out elucidations...to uncover the thinking behind feelings etc...but not to jump in there with a "A ha! You might want to think this way."
Your reframe is the equivalent of an Orthodox Jew saying to you, "What do you think HaShem is trying to teach you through this?"
I have never once responded to your sufferings by suggesting that God is trying to teach you a lesson... That is obnoxious.
Perhaps this could be one of your old habits that you let drop away...
Casey Pratt: It's your tone. You *sound* to people like you're asking them to offer solutions. I have the same trouble all the time. I listen to dozens of unhelpful suggestions after I describe some suffering that's troubling me... then usually end up hollering, "I'm not asking you to fix anything--I just want you to pet my head and say 'there, there.'
Let me know what you figure out. If there's a better way...
Rodger Jacobs: I think Casey nailed it, Luke, in all seriousness. More insulting than your friend's behavior is when one exposes their worries and woes to a confidante and when said confidante offers advice, the beleagured person says, "I wasn't looking for your input" or advice. Really? So they're just sounding boards for you and nothing more? Might as well talk to the wall if that's how one feels.
Luke: When I say, "I feel..." I am not looking for advice. When I say, what can I do? I'm looking for advice. Sharing feelings and seeking solutions are two different types of conversations. Not that complex.
Casey Pratt: It shouldn't be that complex, but it seems like it is for some people. I sometimes come home on Thursday afternoon from my job as a professor, untuck my shirt, and say to my wife, "Are you SURE you want me to keep doing this? I feel like a liar most days. I have to play by so many rules. I feel like I could be more satisfied..."
I'm really not... Read More seeking a solution -- at least not from her in that moment. But she loves me, so knowing that I'm dissatisfied, she can't resist offering solutions. It's really hard to just sit there and know that somebody you love is hurting. To just pet them and tell them that it's all worth it.
But (for what it's worth) I hear you. Having that CFS thing must suck hard. No kidding.
