"You feel very disconnected from me when we're at yoga," he said.
"That's because I'm ashamed," she said.
"Ashamed of what?" he asked.
"Ashamed of your Judaism. Your Orthodox Judaism. People hate Orthodox Jews. I can't bear to hold your hand while you're wearing a yarmulke, with your beard, your tzitzit out. It fills me with shame. There's nothing I can do about it. That's just the way I feel."
He'd always suspected that but now he had it in clear words. She spoke softly. She spoke from the heart. This was not one of her recorded speeches. She was connected to her feelings and she was telling him the truth.
"Do you remember that Sex in the City episode where that guy was dating a fat girl? He was very happy with her. They had a great time in private. But he was ashamed to introduce her to his friends. And the one time a friend ran into him with her at a restaurant, he didn't introduce her. And so she broke up with him."
"Yeah," he said. "I saw that.
"So when you have sex with someone, what does it do to you? Do to your feelings for the person you're intimate with?"
"It depends."
"If the sex is good and frequent and is accompanied by emotional intimacy. Does it make you more vulnerable to that person?"
"I wouldn't say vulnerable. No, not vulnerable. It just makes me want to be with the person and to have good times with them. I live in the moment. Whatever feels good. I don't believe in vows."
"When I have sex with somone," he said, "a lot of sex, good sex, accompanied by good conversation, it multiplies my vulnerability to that person by 50 times. They have 50 times more people to hurt me or to please me.
"So when you had sex with that girl and told me about six days later, what was going on?"
"A lot of guys," she said, "find it a turn-on for their girl to be with another girl."
"I didn't know it would make me feel so ill. I had no idea. I had told you I did not want to hear about your heterosexual adventures, but it didn't bother me hearing about the times you were with a woman. So we never spoke about monogamy. We never spoke about you having sex with women while you were with me. But when I found out about it, I suddenly felt very ill. And then through that illness, about ten seconds later, there was a tremendous feeling of relief. That it was over. That there was nothing further I could do. I didn't need to push my limits. I didn't need to stretch and change for you. That it was all over and it was all decided for me and the only thing was to move on."
"I did it to break up with you," she said. "I didn't like you very much at the time. I did it with a girl so it wouldn't hurt you so much, but I knew you'd just break up with me. I didn't want to do the breaking up. I knew this would force your hand. And it felt like such a relief."
"What role do you sense fear playing in my life?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "What do you mean?"
"My greatest fear in a relationship is that my partner will be unfaithful. That's the greatest pain. And when it happens, I just cut the person off. They're dead to me.
"David Deida talks about loving without fear. I want to learn to love without fear. I want to learn to love even though I fear my partner is unfaithful and will be unfaithful or has been unfaithful. Fear constrains my love. It holds me back. I don't want to risk things. I just want that safe 50/50 relationship. Fear constrains my heart. I want to open up my heart and surrender to love and to face my fear."
