So I’ve been listening to The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire on Audible. You know, for fun.
Nothing like hearing Gibbon calmly narrate the collapse of the world’s greatest civilization while you eat expired cottage cheese out of a paper bowl.
Gibbon's got this tone like, “And then the Visigoths sacked Rome, as one does...”
Meanwhile, I’m over here panicking because my DoorDash driver forgot the dipping sauce.
Rome fell slowly—like, over centuries. I fall apart by Wednesday.
He says the empire crumbled from “internal decadence.” Same. I’ve been undone by online shopping, overpriced matcha, and a crippling addiction to watching Senate hearings on YouTube like it’s Game of Thrones.
Gibbon blamed moral decay and weak leadership. I blame brunch culture and crypto influencers.
At least the Romans had roads. We have potholes so deep I think I saw a centurion climbing out of one.
The Senate used to debate the fate of empires. Our Senate debates whether to define a hotdog as a sandwich.
You know the empire's in trouble when the emperors start wearing glitter capes and appointing horses to public office. And honestly, if you told me this happened in D.C. last week? I'd believe you. “Senator Butterscotch was unanimously confirmed. He neighed in favor.”
They called it “bread and circuses”—keep the people fed and entertained.
Now we’ve got TikTok and Dollar Pizza. Same formula, lower production value.
My favorite part? Rome didn’t fall in one dramatic event. It limped along—divided, corrupted, delusional—while everyone pretended things were fine.
So basically... America, but with togas.
