Scene 1 (Interior - Synagogue Community Hall):
(Luke, nervously approaching refreshments, spots RABBI JONATHAN.)
Luke (inner monologue): Oh God, Rabbi Jonathan. Be normal. Normal people don't start conversations about Epstein.
Rabbi Jonathan: Ah, Luke. Shabbat Shalom. Been a while. How are you?
Luke (awkward smile): Great, Rabbi. Really excellent. Just intellectually alive, you know?
Luke (inner): What was that? "Intellectually alive"? You're not a professor. You're a former porn blogger.
Rabbi Jonathan: Uh, glad to hear it. Any news in your life?
Luke (inner): Don't say Epstein. Don't say Epstein.
Luke: Well, actually, I was thinking about Jeffrey Epstein today.
Luke (inner): Brilliant.
Rabbi Jonathan (startled): Epstein? You knew Jeffrey Epstein?
Luke: Well, "knew" is a strong word. Hung out. Occasionally. But purely for the tax tips and scientific discourse. Definitely no sex intercourse. Just...social intercourse.
Rabbi Jonathan (appalled): Right. I'm going to check on the challah.
(Rabbi Jonathan quickly exits.)
Luke (inner): Perfect. I’ve just Epstein'd my Rabbi. Maybe if I explain the post-nut clarity thing?
Scene 2 (Interior - Therapy Office):
(THERAPIST, staring sympathetically.)
Therapist: Luke, we talked about your tendency to sabotage your social interactions. Remember?
Luke (inner): Oh god, here we go again. It's not sabotage. It's authenticity!
Luke: Yeah. But Epstein just popped out.
Therapist: Why would Epstein just "pop out"?
Luke: Well, Jeffrey’s outstanding characteristic was calm and clarity. I genuinely thought it was Buddhism. Turns out, I was naive. It was just abundant post-nut clarity. Like zen, but...sticky.
Therapist (scribbling notes, deeply concerned): Post-nut...clarity?
Luke (inner): She doesn't get it. They never do.
Luke: It's a guy thing. But it’s not my fault! I've been to paradise. I've been to Lolita Island. But I've never been to me.
Therapist: "Lolita Island?"
Luke: That's just what people call it. It wasn’t called that on the map! And the plane wasn't "Lolita Express" on the tickets. I was reading the Federalist Papers. Madison. Hamilton. No pedos there, right?
Therapist: Luke, are you hearing yourself?
Luke (inner): Loud and clear. It sounds much worse out loud.
Scene 3 (Interior - Coffee shop):
(Luke meeting with CINDY from sixth grade.)
Cindy: Thanks for meeting me, Luke. It’s been decades. I just wanted closure.
Luke (inner): Closure. Perfect. Keep it innocent. Sixth grade innocent.
Luke: Totally innocent, like sixth grade. Unlike Epstein. Oh no. Sorry. Forget that.
Cindy: Um, Epstein?
Luke: Excuse me if I'm late to the pedo party, but the more I learn about Jeffrey Epstein, the less I like him. But innocent people—like me—just wanted tax strategies and to boost our intellectual prestige. Totally non-sexual. All discourse, no intercourse.
Cindy: Okay...?
Luke (inner): I’ve done it again. I've turned Cindy into my therapist.
Luke: Jeffrey just seemed like an ambitious Jew, you know? Sammy Glick type. Not a creepy sex guy. I want to think the best of my fellow Jews. I was naive.
Cindy: Uh-huh. Well, I’m glad you’re working through...whatever this is.
(She quickly leaves.)
Luke (inner): And she's gone. Back to therapy.
Scene 4 (Interior - Synagogue - Rabbi’s Office):
(Rabbi Jonathan, stern.)
Rabbi Jonathan: Luke, people are disturbed. Can you explain why you keep bringing up Epstein?
Luke: Rabbi, I'm the victim here. I’m traumatized by the association! I'm like Prince Andrew. Except poorer. And more Jewish. And innocent. Basically not like Prince Andrew.
Rabbi Jonathan: Luke...
Luke: All I wanted was to understand hedge funds and string theory. Epstein talked about Schrödinger's cat. Not about...Schrödinger’s underage girlfriend.
Rabbi Jonathan: Luke, please.
Luke: Rabbi, all I’m guilty of is being intellectually curious. Like Einstein. Except with a few unfortunate plane rides and a tragic lack of judgment. Einstein probably wouldn't have gone to Epstein’s island. Probably.
(Rabbi sighs heavily.)
Luke (inner): And that's how you Epstein yourself out of another synagogue.
Scene 5 (Interior - Bedroom - Alone at night):
(Luke, staring at ceiling.)
Luke (inner): Well done, Luke. Rabbi hates you. Therapist thinks you’re insane. Cindy probably regrets reaching out. All because you had to defend yourself from accusations no one made. Great work.
(He reaches for laptop.)
Luke (inner): Time for a fresh start. New blog title: "Epstein and Me: A Spiritual Journey."
(Pause.)
Luke (inner): Maybe not.
(Laptop closes. Luke sighs.)
Luke (inner): At least tomorrow’s another chance to make everyone uncomfortable again. Consistency matters.
