Recollecting in Tranquility

A few months ago, I had a flirtation over the phone and online (never in person) with a beautiful shiksa Lyra (girl on the right). She was 22 and she told me she was majoring in "media studies" at a community college.
I thought she had a lot in common with my friend Cathy Seipp and that we'd all get along like a house on fire.
Cathy, however, had a more skeptical view of Lyra than I did.
As the weeks passd by, Lyra and I talked a lot about Judaism and spirituality.
I asked her opinion of Dennis Prager's essays on "Why young women are exposing themselves." Part Two.
She replied: "Hmm, Bassicly that guy covered all the basis. I myself am self contios and hate getting in a bathing suit and try to hide my tits so if I hade the body I did when I was 16 I would tastfully wear less clothes, and I hate when girls show there stomach. But I think Its all over thought, you should dress how you feal without embarassing yourself, you know! Some girls just have no stlye or class and the kind of attention they want they will get. Being a parriniod hermite I prefer no eyes on me most the time. Anyways, how are you, I am in Ixtapa, the pretures of everyday life forced me to once again flee the country. The good news is I went to a very spirituil city for Samana Santa and went to a very nice church to pray. I also went to a rodeo and a cock fight, I plane to go to an Island today because Its getting boring. What have you been up to. Oh yah I wrote a great little story on the city of Petatlan and I have pictures."
I asked her what she was passionate about. She replied, "Luke, I really don't open up for most people but I like you! I am passionate about making love, I mean really being hate f---ed, chocked out, smacked around and verbally abused. I also love Jesus Criste and every morning I wake up and cook me some Farmer John honey baked ham with a side of yeast. It taste so good in my mouth, It makes me just sooo horny! I am also ma----bate to Woody Alan movies."
Lyra wanted a paid position in the Luke Ford Media Empire. I thought she should start off as an intern, and upon showing the proper initiative, she could work her way up the pole like my other interns.
We talked about her visiting me at the hovel. I'd take the day off and we'd go to the beach. It would give us an opportunity to better gauge Lyra's skills and enthusiasm.
Perhaps we could work side-by-side, taking journalism to heights never before scaled.
I imagined that I would guide Lyra's conversion to Judaism and that one day she would have my twelve Orthodox children.
It made me sad that this girl was so pressed by her need to get a job that she didn't have the time to fully develop her writing abilities.
Today I found out she is in prison, charged with cocaine trafficking. She could get ten years. At least now she will have the time to recollect in tranquility and make a contribution to modern American literature.
Our wild and crazy relationship began Monday, February 9. I call my friend KB.
Luke: "How was your weekend?"
KB: "Excellent. I had a lot of girls over to the house."
Luke: "For what purpose?"
KB: "To entertain KB, why else?"
Luke: "I hear girls in the background right now."
They're eating breakfast at the Calypso Cafe on the beach in San Diego.
KB: "Yeah. KB's turning into Hugh Hefner."
Luke: "I hear a lot of girls in the background."
KB: "Yes, I had a cute weekend. We all cuddled and watch movies."
Luke: "Did you have ---?"
KB: "Plenty."
Luke: "Are any of them girls I know?"
KB: "No, I'm staying out of the ---- realm."
KB turns to one of his girls, Lyra, a dark-skinned, dark-haired, busty Italian-American. "This is the reporter."
(Photo of KB with his arm around Lyra, and two other girls)
Lyra: "The ---- activist. That's him?"
Lyra comes on the line. "I just guessed that was you on the phone. I was thinking, it's that guy with the accent on TV, the ---- activist.
"One day I said to KB, 'Do I have a chance with that guy on TV?" He said, 'Nope. No way. Not at all. Not a chance in the world. Because you're Italian.' But I look Jewish. I could pull off being Jewish. I could wear one of those stars around your neck if I meet your mother."
Luke: "Would you come to temple with me?"
Lyra: "I'd come to the temple with you and everything. Oy ve, baby."
Lyra is a student at San Diego City College.
Luke: "How does KB get so many girls to his house?"
Lyra: "Every time I go over there, he's got girls at his house. He's got model girlfriends bending over for him. I brought girls over for him the other night and they're arching their backs and stuff."
KB comes back on line.
Luke: "Do you really think that spending the night with two girls in your bed is conducive to your spiritual growth?"
KB: "Absolutely. Every good Hindu should have two women with him at all times."
Lyra lived in Gary Kremen's mansion for two months.
Lyra: "I was in between houses and I needed somewhere to stay. I knew him through Kevin."
Luke: "Did you date Gary?"
Lyra: "I'm not that type of girl. I can support myself. I don't even like people buying me drinks. It freaks me out."
Luke: "How do you support yourself?"
Lyra jokes: "I have rich parents. No, I have money saved."
KB: "She's a good girl."
Luke: "Tell me about your hot tub experience with Gary Kremn?"
Lyra: "Gary is always in the hot tub. I had my 22nd birthday party there. About 200 people came. He comes out naked and jumps in the hot tub and freaks all my friends out. And then Mark, his maintenance guy, gets naked and jumps in too. And then they kicked my friend Ryan out and then they tried to hit on all my girlfriends. That's it. I don't have any good slander."
Duke: "Did you know that Kevin is in the Industry?"
Lyra: "I know. I accompany him to his parties sometimes. I like the Jews. They're all meshuganah [yiddish word for crazy] but I like them.
"I don't know why I'm in such a good mood today. I'm sick. I have to move today. I move a lot. It's a chronic problem of mine. I have bad ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I flee the country a lot too. I just went to Tahiti, [four exotic locations I could not catch] and Miami in two months.
"KB's doing this wrap-it-up thing because he's a cheapskate and he doesn't want anybody using up his minutes."
KB: "I have to make a phone call."
Lyra: "He gets all nervous and anxious when people are on his phone too long."
I've noticed the same thing. It's like me around bacon.
Lyra: "He's sweating right now. He's turning white."
KB: "You love it."
Luke: "I do."
KB: "She's so cute though. If you saw Lyra, you'd love her. She's your type. Dark hair, dark sin, brown eyes, big natural -----."
Lyra: "You're so bad."
KB: "We're having breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. I need to make some money. Find somebody who will pay me some money.
"The girls think I should do a reality TV show, KB TV. If you put a camera on my head, you wouldn't believe what goes on."
Lyra photo Lyra photo
I call a friend June 29.
"Our friend Lyra is locked up for conspiracy to buy cocaine with the intent to distribute."
I start laughing.
"I thought she had cleaned up her act and wasn't doing this anymore. I'm bummed out by it."
"It sounds like she is better off in jail," I say. "She's so self-destructive."
"I guess she was on the way to Lake Tahoe. She got on the plane. She realized she shouldn't be flying to Lake Tahoe without talking to her probation officer [for drugs]. She got a bad feeling and decides to walk off the plane. She's asked if she is Lyra... She says yes. About 20 DEA agents storm her. She didn't have any drugs on her.
"I got two phone calls from a federal prison last week. Scared me. She gets on the phone and the first thing she says is, 'It's prepaid, you Jew!'
"She hasn't been arraigned yet.
"She says that her phone has been tapped for the last eight months. They took her phone and all her numbers.
"I had no idea she was dealing again."
"I remember she kept telling me she wanted a job."
"The last I spoke to her, she was asking me to spell certain words for her resume. She was looking to interview. She'd moved to LA. I don't think I'm ever going to see her again."
"It was probably for your good."
"Her friends that I knew, two, went down too. I had no idea they were this big in the drug scene."
"Where were they getting it from?"
"Mexico."
"We were having all these talks about spirituality."
"She's going to need it now. You can always write to her. She says she's going to have time to write her book now. Can you imagine? Book spelled b-u-k?"
Amalek writes Luke: "YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR THIS WOMAN'S FALL. Look at what she offered you: she spoke of her love for making love, Jesus Christ, Ham, and yeast. What did you offer her back in return? Nothing. Result? One more white woman not making Jewish babies. Another victory for the other team. Had you responded as she most clearly signaled she wanted you to respond, perhaps you would have purified her to the point of leading her to Judaism, and thence to the chuppah."
Janey writes: Whoa, that sweet top she's wearing in the first pic, black with cherries all over it, is meant to be worn with the matching panties -- they're underwear. I have been looking at the top every day for the last week, in a shop near the place where I work, thinking how cute cherries are.

Lyra is very pretty, which makes her life even more tragic. It's one thing to be an uneducated, ugly criminal -- who cares? -- but there's something very sad about an uneducated, pretty criminal. It didn't have to be that way. She could be working in ---- or mother to Luke's children. Luke, would you marry an ex-con (post-prison) if she converted?

Luke says: Yes, if she was hot like Lyra.

"Robert (my new relationship guru) has been telling me about being shomer negiyah. I think I want to find a guy who's into that. Have you ever considered going down that route?"

Certainly. I do every day in every way.